The death and it's grief.

06 Jun, 2025

Hi, long time no see, huh? I am still standing (not so) strong. And yes, I didn't forget that I had a blog. I just couldn't find a thing to write, and it wasn't just 'writer's block', it was just that I couldn't find anything to do or write about because my life became dull.

This isn't a post, this is like a rant to myself. Today, around midday, my grandfather from my mother's side went away. I wish I could say that we were close. We really weren't. He's been bedridden for at least three years now, and it was at least for years ago when I saw him spoke with me. We always lived together and even then, I can't really remember him even though he were there, alive.

He was at the hospital for seventy days, he couldn't eat from his mouth, neither could he go to the bathroom. He was, well, alive as a person with that many machines on themselves can be. He didn't really speak a word with us but he was still there, and living.

I know, it's better for him to be that way, at the end, who would want to live like that for so long? Doctor's give us hope that he can, somehow, get well and go on with his day, but at the same time we both know that wasn't the case.

Did I cry? No. Did I laugh? No. What am I even feeling right now? I don't even know. My mother - she's crying. My father - well, he tries to be strong but he's also sad. But why am I not sad?

After I knew that he was gone, it was almost like I didn't feel anything. Do I not love him? I said to myself. No, was the answer to that question. I loved my grandpa. I love him.

Life is always uncertain. It's what we call ups and downs, high and lows, good and bads of it. What we do with those, how we handle them and our approach of thinking about it is very authentic and clearly personal. Every time I hear about a death, I always whisper to myself "What would they be if they were alive? What could they have become? They for sure had a family, what will they do? What will they think?".

Is death needed and is it an inevitable part of our lives? Yes. Can we escape from it? No. Can we escape from thinking about it? Certainly. I don't fear death, as a matter of a fact, I think most people out there does not have a fear of it. What I think though, is that we fear to die before we live a life that we always wanted. Before we can tell that we are happy ever after.

But what if we are not? What if we are really sick and know that we'll die, maybe tomorrow, maybe before tomorrow? Shall we live a life that is so relentless and headless that even ourselves might think that we are going crazy? What is the meaning of all of this if I'm going to die either way?

Life is about relations, connections and memories we made. These are topics of which other people are not allowed to argue over with me, ever. Sometimes I think that how can I fulfil myself and my emotions so that when I die I feel slightly better?

Do I need to waste my time at parties getting drunk, having ONS's instead of genuine relationships and travel the world with my (allegedly) gained money? Or should I waste my time being an engineer and sitting at my desk all day long? Or should I be an academician and also waste my time giving lectures? Sure, some are clearly better and more valuable to me, personally. But at the end of the day I don't think there is much difference between them.

I opened up this blog by saying that my life was so dull, in about one month, I couldn't find anything to write. Am I happy? No. Would I be happy if I went to school instead? FUCK NO!

But what shall we do then? What is a meaningful life for me? What will make me happy? Having a family? Raising little kids? Going on a world tour in 8- days with a budget of $2.3 million? ¹

Maybe I'm a nihilist, I don't know. Honestly, I don't even care. I don't want to plan my life, but I also don't want to be a jerk to myself and live day to day with a mediocre job.

I know what I love, I know what I don't love. Do I want things? Certainly yes. But at the end, I don't know what will happen. I could try to get the things I want. I can search for connections, it's not like I got better things to do, huh?

#2025